A Beautiful Mind

A Beautiful Mind
A Beautiful mind

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Why do I wait for you??? It is in my face so close I can taste the bitter truth.. you DON'T love me.. oh you say you do. But we both know you don't.. WHAT is WRONG with ME that I would put such a LOW value on MYSELF that I would allow you to treat me this way.. YOU must know what your doing to me... You MUST.. I don't know who I'm more upset with.. YOU or ME.. You for being a complete and total loser ASSHOLE or me for being such a pathetic PARASITE sticking around trying to live off of the crumbs you throw me.. I would NEVER treat someone I LOVED this way.. To me it is unthinkable..  FUCK!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK my HEART says FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And FUCK ME TOO for BEING SUCH A STUPID STUPID STUPID GIRL..... I HATE YOU............. I hate how you have shit on me.... I HATE how you have used me and I hate how much I LOVE you......

You Thief....

You took my soul.. I want it back.. I'd ask for it but I simply Can't..
It has to return on it's own for it's mind is it's alone.
It takes no heed it takes no warning it simply waits for your adoring.
You tricked it you lied you took it for a ride..
It trusted you it came to you.. it is now betrayed by you..
Had it known, had you shown, it surely would have flown..
It is your captive, right from the start for it never knew, you had no heart..
It stays near to you still, against my will..
You use your power you use your charm to completely disarm..
You took my soul I want it back.. I need it so, please let it go..
Let it fly, let it run, let it walk, let it crawl, just let it pass by..
It served you well, it served you fine, now let it go It's done it's time..
it has nothing left, it has no service to serve no gifts to give..  No substance left to feed you with.
It feels empty and hallow as you let it follow with all your empty words and high demands.
A man it wants but a coward it's got for you are afraid of this mighty soul, you try to own it, so you may control it so you never have to betroth it.
you took my soul I want it back, I would ask for it but I simply can't..

Monday, May 9, 2011

our search for love

In our search for love isn't it funny how little we actually settle for.  We meet someone we Get along the relationship has had no real reasons for ending and after about 6 months we become familiar, we feel safe. We feel like this could be it. In our safe cozy comfy zone we let our guard down and we fall in love. It's a good thing, it's natural. the problem starts when the relationship starts dying and we ignore all of the red flag alarms going off. they are there for our protection and some of us ( ME) ignore them because hey this is LOVE.. things can't be perfect right? so we over look and we over look until it is there larger then life staring at us in a way we can no longer ignore. whether it's in the form of our love leaving us and breaking our heart or in the form of our nausea at the prospects of sleeping with this person that we Love.. It never ends happy and someone always gets hurt.. I just wonder if it all could have been avoided by listening to our red flag alarm. could we have spared ourselves a lot of pain by holding out for more? or would that just leave us alone with our persnickety high standards?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I am So very Heart broken

I Remember in vivid detail the last time I saw him..
I was so excited to get there, I drove for 2 hours.
 I hadn't seen him in quite a few weeks. That is torture when your in love.
I cooked him A turkey meatloaf and peanut butter no bake cookies (his favorites.)
He wanted me to come to his place for a long weekend. He took friday off which was a surprise for me because he never takes a day off work.
I thought wow he must really want to spend a lot of time with me.
We had such a nice time, he was so affectionate and cuddly and I Just felt so much love for him..
I stayed with him from Thursday until sunday evening. although looking back I can see the hints he was giving off that he wanted me to leave much earlier than I did.
I am a stupid girl, It is painfully obvious now, But at the time I had no idea.
He took me for sushi, I had never had sushi I liked it very much.  I felt like things were good for the most part. Yeah I was still a little shy but only because I don't see him often and I am always so concerned with making a good impression.
I remember that last day I just didn't want to leave because when I see him and then have to leave I feel physical pain, I miss him incredibly bad. I don't know exactly how to explain it. Best I can describe it, is it's kind of like you did the most amazing drug then you come down and everything is shit... and all you can think about is that next high.
He said to me before I left "Well I hope I didn't bore you and I hope you had fun" I kissed his neck and hugged him and whispered in his ear "don't be crazy you could never bore me, I always have fun with you."
The sunday I left I kissed him a lot, and when I finally did leave ( and this is the part that replays in my head over and over again)
He walked me to the door and I kissed him three times, Then turned to walk away, I turned back around to look at him and ran back to kiss his lips one more time, he smiled at me and I left.
Now I wonder If he knew then that he was going to break my heart and never see me again.
I drove home feeling on top of a cloud thinking that our relationship of a year was finally going to move forward. I hated how much I missed him and I felt a little pathetic for it.
But I thought he felt some of the same. I was wrong, very wrong..
I knew within a few days that something was wrong but I tried to ignore it chalking it up to my over active imagination.
But this time I wasn't imagining it, Something was very wrong but He didn't have enough respect or empathy or compassion or decency to Tell me.
He was sick that following week and had a busy week at work, so I made sure I gave him lots of space and patience and understanding. 2 weeks later I was so upset I was crying myself to sleep nearly every night knowing something was very wrong because he was very distant.
I went to Houston to visit Family and thought I could put it out of my mind for the time being. But I couldn't, I was secretly distraught. No one could tell but inside I was dying.
I was on the way to the beach with my family and I just couldn't help myself so I txt him and prodded him for some answers about what the hell was going on. As I was walking in the sand to our designated little beach area, He said "what I felt for you when we first started dating and seeing each other just isn't there anymore".
 And I swear it felt like my blood turned to lava and was burning me from the inside out.
I am dramatic but I over exaggerate nothing in this story. I literally wanted to lay in the sand and cry, But my whole family was there so I had to leave the convo alone and pretend to be fine.
He told me he just needed time to sort out his feelings because he just didn't know what he really felt anymore.
I knew that was essentially a breakup but I was not going to really think of it until I got home.
so 8 days later I txt him and asked him why he let me continue to fall in love with him if he didn't feel the same way, and why did he have me stay the weekend with him?
He said" because I gave into feeling bad about hurting you and I thought the 10th time was the charm and would change everything, It didn't"..
I think My heart broke at that instant.. what can you say to that?
so I said Ok
Well I don't really understand I feel like a fool and I wish you would have just shared your feelings with me sooner. I said thank you for indulging me this morning, I'll Miss you *******
He said you don't have to thank me and I will miss you too ****.. .. .. .. So after a year its over. and that is all that could be said. I feel cheated and devalued and hurt and devastated.. I deserved more then that. I deserved better treatment then that.
But regardless of the unfairness and my hurt and anger, Love doesn't just disappear.
and my mind is incorrigible and keeps reverting back to our last weekend. And I feel so very stupid thinking that he knew that once I left he was finished. I wouldn't wish the pain of that on my worst enemy. It destroyed my heart my pride ego and soul.. I cant imagine not being with him. I can't imagine kissing another man or being Loved by another man.
I don't understand what happened and why he did this to me. it is the worst feeling.
the vivid memory playing like a movie of me running back to kiss the man I love one more time and as he smiles at me and tells me goodbye I feel as though everything is just perfect and I am such a lucky girl But the whole time He knew what he was going to do.. It kills me to think about it. How torturous that weekend must have been for him having to spend it with me. I am just distraught.. I am also Pissed because I was ignored, dismissed and thrown aside without even a real conversation. I have been treated very badly at different times in my life but this is among the top ranking. And to have it said It was for my benefit to try and avoid hurting me, That sounds a lot like misguided pity.. and how dare he pity me.. as if I can't handle up front honesty. How could he spend that entire weekend with me knowing what he knew.. I can't fathom it, how someone could be so cruel..
I can't sleep, I can't eat, Or I over eat the wrong things.. I cry at least 3 times a day. and I don't want to feel this pain or live without him. But I must. what choice am I left with. I am a gorgeous girl. The most attractive girl he has dated. I am intelligent and classy. But none of it matters, not my sweetness or my loyalty my patience my Love. It wasn't enough.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

this is all very very true.. lol

If a woman's Mars is in Cancer, she may prefer the "sensitive type" of man who is compassionate, sensitive, and protective. These women sometimes are attracted to temperamental sorts, finding moodiness in a man rather intriguing. They want men with "layers" (remember Shrek?). However, they are not into the type of "sensitive" men that Mars in Pisces women are most attracted to. In fact, they generally want men who are strong and traditionally masculine. Generally, these women prefer men who are physically strong or at least look that way--remember that they love to feel protected.

How You Relate to a Partner with Venus in Gemini: The first thing you will notice about each other is that you share a common sense of fun in love. Both of you are playful lovers—some might even say childlike! You want to be the center of attention, and your partner's love of variety may leave you feeling a bit threatened. Your partner loves to talk, and you appreciate the easy flow of communication between you and your partner. However, you might find your partner somewhat lacking in the loyalty and steadfastness department! You need to feel secure in your partnership. When you are feeling insecure about your relationship, you are given to melodrama—something that your Venus in Gemini lover doesn't fully understand (he/she might even find your displays somewhat amusing and entertaining!). You may interpret your partner's need for variety as superficial or flighty. Despite these differences, however, this pairing is an intriguing and (mostly) positive one. Particularly if your Venus forms a sextile to your partner's Venus, you will find much to like about each other, and this mutual appreciation can warm both of your hearts.

When your Venus is in Leo, you can be "stuck" in the first stage of romance, when passions run high and you can't seem to get each other out of your minds. You never want this stage to end! When you are in love, the relationship consumesyou. You radiate the love that you receive from your partner, and reverberate with the energy of love. You are ardent and affectionate with your partner. The adoration you give may not be (and probably won't be) matched, and this is when you falter. Truth is, your lover may have a different style of expressing his/her love. It may be just as ardent as your love, but you tend to equate adoring expressions of love with love itself.
You tend to hold on to love, sometimes longer than you perhaps should, and you may work hard on forcing your lover into the script you have unconsciously written for him or her! When you are happy with your lover (which often coincides with your perception that your lover is right there with you in an emotional sense), you are generous to a fault, with little thought of the future. You take the ups and downs of your romantic relationships to heart, more so than most people, simply because you invest so much of your ego and identity into love! Your warmth is extremely dependent upon the amount of attention and affection you receive. Although you may begin relationships with considerable ardency, if you are not showered with attention and made to feel special over the course of time, you will surely lose passion for the relationship. Your need for appreciation from your lover is paramount, yet all too often you come on strong in love and your partner misinterprets your ardor as brazen confidence. This can be a vicious circle, because what your lover may not know is that, in fact, you are not as sure of yourself as you seem, and his or her reassurances are vital! It is easy for you to jump into relationships without too much thought. However, your expectations are high, and your partner needs to understand that for a relationship with you to survive over the long haul, it needs to be stoked constantly. You will hang on to a relationship longer than most, but your expectations are so high that disappointment is almost inevitable. More than most signs, you would benefit from waiting to marry when you are older and more sure of yourself. When you're happy in your relationship, your warmth and eagerness are admirable!

Venus in Leo

When Venus in Leo people are in love, they are proud, even boastful. This position of Venus can turn humble Virgo Suns or retiring Cancer Suns into somewhat demanding lovers. Venus in Leo loves to court and be courted, and they need to feel very special. They are warm, generous, and even grand. Though really quite loyal to their partners (remember that love is THE most important thing in Leo's life), they thrive on attention from the opposite sex. Be prepared for their displays: they will tell you about any advances members of the opposite sex make on them. Remember, they're just showing off to you, and it's likely harmless. It's a different story if you do the same, however. That's when you'll hear the lion roar...and, no doubt, you'll want to keep these cats purring. Venus in Leo wants to appear experienced in love, even if they have little or no experience whatsoever!
Venus in Leo men and women have high expectations, but once you know that these expectations revolve only around how much attention you are giving them, you'll see that they are really quite big-hearted about most everything else. They are threatened by a relationship that appears to have settled too much, or one that's lost its spark. They are also threatened by indifferent or impersonal behavior on your part. 
Although their needs for physical expression through sex are generally quite strong, their need for love is perhaps even stronger. It is hard for Venus in Leo people to separate love and sex, and even their most erotic fantasies are infused with love and affection. For this reason, few Venus in Leo folk would last long in a relationship that is mostly sexual. On the flip side, they may last longer in a love-only relationship in the absence of satisfying sex, but they are unlikely to feel very satisfied.
Pleasing Venus in Leo involves paying loads of attention to them. If you're willing to make only one adjustment in your ways, it should be to remind Leo how wonderful they are. Respect and appreciate them, always. Put up with their childlike moments and their tall tales. They want to be seen as attractive by you, so avoid (at all costs!) putting them down in this area. They actually lose interest when they perceive the slightest loss of interest in their partner, and you can expect that any letdown will be acted out in a dramatic fashion. Remind them, in a gentle way, that your emotions count too. If you are feeling a little jealous, let them know. Remember, to Venus in Leo, your small jealousies are affirmations that you find them attractive and expect the rest of the world to as well. Let them decide where to go on a date, and let them pay too. When Venus in Leo feels loved and appreciated, they reward you with loyalty, a big sense of fun, and plenty of physical expressions of their love.
Some Famous People with Venus in Leo: George Bush Jr. (Mercury and Venus in Leo), Tom Cruise (Moon and Venus in Leo), Whitney Houston (Sun and Venus in Leo), Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan (Mercury and Venus in Leo), Madonna (Sun and Venus in Leo), Tobey Maguire, George Bernard Shaw (Sun and Venus in Leo),

Venus in Fire, Mars in Water (Romantic Fire, Watery Desires): You're a little hard to figure out. On the one hand, you can be quite blunt when it comes to self-expression in love. On the other, you can be sensitive and impressionable. In bed, you require a warm, sentimental, and sensuous partner or else you feel a little insecure, yet your romantic manner is spontaneous and direct. Confusing? Absolutely! But you are also very intriguing--a beguiling mix of independence and neediness. Your ideal partner recognizes that love and attraction keep you feeling alive and vital, so a relationship that has lost its spark will cause you to lose yours. Your romantic nature is moody, volatile, and dramatic at times! You may be flirtatious, yet you also maintain a certain level of caution and reserve. One day, you give of yourself fully, and the next day you are independent and seemingly not needy. You are a study in contradictions on a romantic level�you are both vulnerable and outspoken, for example. While you are sensitive, you can also �say it like it is� and upset a sensitive partner. You are uninterested in superficial relationships. You require a certain amount of depth, yet you are not always willing to open up. Although you are very romantic, you are also prone to fighting your emotions in an attempt to keep love at bay. This never completely works, however! Your passions are strong and sometimes extreme. Your lover is bound to find you a real challenge, simply because he/she doesn�t know what to expect. What your partner CAN be sure of, however, is that you are passionate and never boring!
Venus and Mars in side-by-side signs: The things that please you romantically and the things that please you sexually are quite different. What makes you feel loved and desired does not necessarily satisfy you on the level of desire and instinct, and vice versa. One partner could have a hard time attempting to fill your needs. As a result, you could be quite a handful; or, you may find ways to separate your romantic and sexual needs and thus satisfy them individually.
More specifically: Venus in Leo, Mars in Cancer:

Mars in Cancer

This position inclines toward passive-aggressiveness. These people seem to resist change and to shy away from direct confrontations. They need to feel secure before they act. As a result, they can appear rather slow at times. Their motto is "The best offence is defense". They may appear weak to some, but they can be very strong. Their strength lies in their tenaciousness. 
Their sex drive can be very tied up with emotional need. At their best, they turn others on with a protective, almost therapeutic way about them. The protective nature of Cancer is best expressed when Mars in Cancer natives are turning the energy outward — when they are being the protectors of others. Turning it inwards is when there are problems. They must avoid over-sensitivity and self-protection when it comes to sex. Some Mars in Cancer people are especially turned on by the thought of creating a baby. 
These people are threatened by indifference. They can be argumentative and manipulative. Their energy levels are variable, and they can appear to move rather slowly. They have defensive reactions and bursts of emotional displays when they feel cornered.
With reassurance and confidence, these natives are protective, helpful, and dependable in the long haul. They prefer to handle situations peacefully and humanely. (See also the Sexuality of Mars in Cancer). 
Some Famous people with Mars in Cancer:  Joe Cocker, Richard Gere, Anjelica Huston, Stephen King, Cheryl Ladd, Anne Morrow Lindbergh (Sun, Moon, Mercury, and Mars in Cancer),  Keanu Reeves, Donald Sutherland (Sun, Mercury, and Mars in Cancer), Jean-Claude Van Damme

When Venus or Mars is in Cancer, you'll get one of the most sensitive and sweet lovers. When they're not pouting, they are romantic and gooey with you. They are turned on by slave scenarios, and they may like it when you're a little mean and aggressive in bed, as long as they know you love them. Some of them are turned on by the idea of making a baby, and others just love the idea of being all yours in bed. They are known as the sign most attracted to breasts, and they generally like their men rather masculine and their women feminine, at least in fantasy. They don't always let you know what turns them on, and expect you to intuit their sexual needs. Their style in bed is protective and soothing.

Sun in Virgo

(The Sun is in Virgo from approximately August 21 to September 20, depending on the year).  
It is rare to find the stereotypical nitpicky, exacting, "clean freak" in modern-day Virgos. Although the sign of Virgo has evolved with the times, there are some unmistakable traits that remain. Virgo people are generally respectable, hard-working individuals who have a love of knowledge and know-how. 
Virgo's symbol, the Virgin, shows itself in the lives of Virgos through a love of all that is "natural" and a certain purity of spirit that keeps Virgos self-sufficient and self-contained, at least on the surface. Virgos are sensitive to their surroundings, and they tend to embarrass easily. They are generally reticent when faced with anything or anyone new. However, once they feel comfortable, they can talk up a storm. Many Virgo Suns are not too comfortable in the limelight. These types are just fine living in the background, as long as they feel useful and appreciated. Solar Virgos have a strong sense of responsibility. Even when they've convinced themselves to be irresponsible about something or the other, they worry about it. 
Not all Virgos are workaholics. However, when Solar Virgos are not involved in some kind of project, there is generally a vague feeling of discontent. Even when their lives are filled up with work, they are restless and somewhat nervous creatures. The fear of under-performing is often strong. Virgos want to do things well. Some are exacting and thorough, and those Virgos who have convinced themselves to do a less-than-perfect job will generally feel incomplete. 
Virgo, as an Earth sign, has a notable connection to the body. Solar Virgos are generally very body-aware. In some cases, this shows up as some form of hypochondria, but, for the most part, Virgo is simply quite concerned with health matters and nutrition. Virgo is attracted to all that is natural and pure, but is generally unafraid to explore all that is not. In fact, Virgo is an intensely curious sign. Still, there is a strong desire to remain pure on some level, despite all of Virgo's curiosity and drive to know things. Those Virgos that find a true interest or "calling" easily become connoisseurs--their attention to details and enormous observation powers give them the ability to learn all of the ins and outs of any subject. These people love to do research, in addition to analytic or detail work. They'll happily pick apart practically anything, although they are less adept at putting things back together, and often have trouble grasping the big picture. 
Virgo Suns who are stuck in the practical, material world may learn a lot about themselves if they are brave enough to try placing their lives on automatic pilot once in a while. Letting some things go will do wonders for their spirit. Virgos tend to be too hard on themselves. They worry about their health, their performance at work, all the things they haven't done, and the emails that might be waiting for them while they are away from their computer. When they're not feeling well, they can be overly critical and nervous. They fuss around, have a whole slew of assorted little complaints, and throw small tantrums.
Solar Virgos are perfectionists--there's simply no escaping it. They dream of mastery; they long to do something really well. Some Virgos are so scared of their own perfectionist qualities that they tell themselves they don't care. Others will forever dabble into one thing or another, leaving a string of incomplete projects behind them. However, the happiest Virgos accept their need to get things right, without overdoing it. Probably the best advice for Sun in Virgo people is to find something that interests them--however small or large--and master it.  
Most Virgos can be rather private and fussy about their work, or their personal workspace. They get nervous when others look at their unfinished work, and they are quite protective of their methods of doing things. Despite an overall lack of confidence, Virgos can be mighty proud--even arrogant--when it comes to their work, routines, or hobbies. Secretly, they think their methods of doing things are the best. Often, they are! They do take pride in the little things they do, even though, in a broader sense, Virgos can be rather self-effacing and self-critical.
Solar Virgos often confuse people when their curiosity is mistaken for passion. The surprising part is that Virgo, although knowledgeable, doesn't always get its hands dirty. Their willingness to explore is often kept at the intellectual level. However, Virgos are often well-respected and valued in their circles for their loyalty, research skills, willingness to lend a hand, and their excellent powers of observation. They are generally kind and helpful souls who, when appreciated, do everything to make things work. 
There's an odd combination of the intellectual and the practical in Virgo that is sometimes mistaken for coolness. In fact, Virgos are often self-effacing and shy. They'll brush off your compliments quickly and, sometimes, critically; but don't let that fool you. They need your respect and appreciation. In fact, the happiest Virgos are the ones who feel appreciated and useful. Add plenty of worthwhile projects to keep them busy, and Virgos can be some of the sweetest, kindest people around.
Some Famous People with Sun in Virgo: Billy Ray Cyprus (Sun and Mercury in Virgo), Cameron Diaz (Sun and Mars in Virgo), Gloria Estefan (Sun, Mercury, and Mars in Virgo), Richard Gere, Stephen King, D. H. Lawrence (Sun and Mercury in Virgo), Keanu Reeves (Sun and Mercury in Virgo), Charlie Sheen 

Friday, February 4, 2011

A LOT of stuff on my mind this is just one of the things. lol

The Other day it hit me... I was cooking dinner and I felt a pang of deep pain. I recognized it as despair and loneliness. I realized that I belonged to Nobody. It made me shed a few tears, not that I was mourning my ex spouse. Just being a couple, Your heart should never belong to you. I long for someone the right one to want to take possession of my heart.  I want to belong to someone. I want to compromise  for Love. I want to be protected and cared for. That is the type of woman I am. Their are all types, some are independent some are strong some are selfish some are giving some are delicate but in the end we all need to be loved for what and who we are. we all need to find someone who exemplifies our personality someone who compliments our lives someone whom we have a kinship with and a strong bond of friendship. We all Man and Woman need a partner who loves our company as well as us. who enjoys whatever is done together be it cleaning or going out to dinner. We all need that connection with another person who Makes us feel safe as we provide that safe haven for them. We need someone to encourage us and we need to give in equal partnership. We need to recognize our roles in the relationship and instead of fighting against them embrace them, they are natural thats why it never really works out to the advantage of both parties in the relationship if the more traditional roles are to heavily changed. We Women Are capable of so much, but where we use our effort speaks volumes on the condition of america. I'm not saying women should not work or have careers but shuffling responsibilities of the home around to hired hands is a tragedy and a grave mistake where our children are concerned. no one but you cares for your children in the right way. so of course you can sign your child up for every sport and music lesson and have them in fancy schools. But who teaches them morals in everyday activities who teaches them Love and understanding who teaches them what to believe in And most importantly who is appropriately disciplining them, and showing them consequences? you would leave this up to a stranger?? well its no wonder why we hear the stories about americas youth that we do.. the majority of parents are looking out for numero uno. and the kids get basic care from  hopefully the safest and most reasonably priced source. I can imagine it would be very easy to get so caught up in work and social life that the mundane task of parenting would get moved onto the back burner. I always thought of myself as  a mother and a wife, I poured everything into that. no back up plan.. no preparation for a different life. I realize that I sound like a weak woman with ideals and morals from a 1930s housewife. I don't see it that way.. I have placed value in this life and everything else dies away and would never fill me with satisfaction the way that happy healthy well rounded moralistic children and a happy husband who adores me would. everything else seems trivial. call it what you will but it's me and I make no pretenses about it nor am I ashamed of it. I am ill-equipped for what I face now so I do have regrets there. Am I saying I don't want to work, No I am saying I have always and will always make my family my top priority. and I recognize not everyone is built that way and thats fine because it is a rare man that is satisfied with that. Gender roles have gotten so turned around now ppl expect the impossible from their spouses. A women can not be efficient in all things... some areas she will fail.. and that is sad because society says she can do it. well divorce rates depression rates and conviction rates of minors says she can't.. and its the same for men. He can not have the stress of work, supporting a family plus help with the home and help shuttle the kids to the one million after school activities, leaving him no time for self interests and self fulfillment.. where does the marriage come in? you give what's left over and its just not enough. but the secret is, KIDS do not need to be involved in so many things.. they need a happy fulfilled mommy and daddy. you provide that (or in a single parent home) then just one happy parent. you give them that and thats half the battle. they also need to be encouraged and disciplined and they need to be allowed to follow what is in their heart with guidance from their parents. let them choose what they want to do with their extra time. as long as it is constructive and legal. lol my point is this, the secret to a happy marriage is  marry a man whom you would also choose to be friends with, a man you can admire and respect, then pursue what fulfills you and makes you happy but not at the price of the marriage. give not what's left over, give what's left over to your personal pursuits and make sure you marry someone willing to do the same. and make sure you have the same ideals about raising a family before you have a family. happy children grow up to be happy adults. happy children are not children with STUFF, happy children hear the word NO often. happy parents lol say NO often. spoiling is not loving. allowing your 4 year old to manipulate you and control you is weak and stupid not love. if you love your children you would want them to grow up to be good happy law abiding people. SO TEACH THEM ABOUT LIFE.. if you hear I hate you once or twice from your child (I personally would beat my kids ass for such disrespect) but they don't mean it and your sacrificing you feelings for their well being by just enduring their mild short lived unhappiness because they cant have a belly button ring or dye their hair blue or because you didn't buy them that 200.00 dollar bike that will be uncared for because guess what?? they didn't have to earn it.. parenting isn't easy but even harder is seeing your grown children strike out in life while all you can do is sit by and watch.. 
So if I have all of these great theory's why am I divorced? I didn't follow my own advice. :( simply put!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I have a crack in my soul and in my heart. I am begging crying pleading for someone to fix this crack or break me completely.. It's the crack that is the worst.. I can't say I am fully broken if I were I wouldn't feel. I wouldn't care.. the crack doesn't totally drain me just lets the pain seep slowly. It prevents me from moving forward. I wish someone would come save me from the slow fade that I feel..

Thursday, November 18, 2010

my soul is out of order.

I am In Love But I am alone.. It is the worst I have ever felt. I am by nature such a happy go lucky fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. I can find the positive in most things and I can find fun and laughter in anything. But I feel CRUSHED as never before. I feel defeated by Love as if it set out to test my loyalty, to test how much I would REALLY give for it. My motto is everyone love everyone. All you need is love. Love is what life is about. HA Well Love you got me.. I am defeated I have lost. I hurt, I breath I cry. It is funny how you think your in love when you are in a relationship but it's at the end of it that it is most easily recognized. It's the loss of a thing that brings your feelings to the surface in a way you hadn't felt them before. Love is a tricky bitch she fill us with hope and blinds us with the rainbow of possibilities, We don't even see the heart break coming. ha I say heart break but that does not even describe the seriousness of the situation. I should say heart body mind and soul break.. that would better describe the feelings that are rushing thru my beautiful but rejected body. what is beauty when the one you want /need /have to have doesn't want you? I ask you what is a personality or a sense of humor or a pure heart or a magnificent soul in the face of absolute pain and torture? It is an impossible situation. I want to spit in the eye of love. I want to disown love and forget she ever existed. whoever said forgiveness is hard is stupid.. forgiveness is easy forgiveness is a choice you can choose to make. I choose to forgive my enemy's because to not forgive would hurt me far more then the person I hate from afar who can't feel my stone cold dead glare. the cold draft would freeze my heart not theirs. It is forgetting that is impossible.. forgetting is not a choice you can make. It's not something you can just decide to do. your heart and your mind and your soul remember because first without the memories no lesson second without the memories life means nothing. the time spent with the people you love is meaningless and serves only to fill the space in time. third without the memory's you remain unchanged by those you encounter and as uncomfortable and scary as it is change is essential for life to continue.

*sigh* he said.. and her heart broke.

My heart is shaking from the shock, it is broken. The poor creature is so confused it Gave Love but received a gangsta style beat down. So now it's in hiding with a do not disturb sign on the hotel door fearing for it's very existence. The heart is funny that way, once burned it's not eager to try and light the stove again anytime soon. In fact the last thing it want's is to even think of a stove. The hearts dearest friends say you need a distraction! how about we find you a brand new stove A fun stove A Hot stove! and the heart is thinking ARE YOU NUTS???? do you not see the huge scar that the last stove left? No thank you, I will deal with the "mild" in comparison pain of freezing before I try to get near another stove... That is just Lunacy.. and in disbelief the heart retreats back into hiding. Will the heart ever heal? Sure.. it doesn't think it will right now but it will none the less. It will carry those scars but hopefully it will be brave enough to try again someday. If not what a shame that would be for the wisest and fiercest warriors to behold are those that have been tried thru the fire, They carry the scars of experience passion and knowledge they proudly wear those scars as a display of their bravery..
But for now the heart cries so loud the neighbors complain.  The stomaches upset, the brain is at a loss for a solution, the lungs struggle to do their Job. the eyes run the water non stop in revenge to the host of the heart. the soul feels lost, the feet don't want to move but they aren't content in this place. The hands feel violent the want to smash something, they want to feel the swift slap of a face beneath their palm. And with all of this going on the host just feels in utter desolation, all of the tenants are in an uproar none of them will cooperate, they won't listen to reason. they refuse to hear logic for the ears trust nothing they hear anymore. The Mind never having been in this position try's to throw out scenarios constantly and wont let the host get so much as a night's sleep. not only scenarios but blame and ideas and reasons and possibilities, so many in fact the host feels like just tossing the mind out altogether.  the host considers medical help but then realizes that it is a sickness that must run it's course and there isn't a medication that will alleviate the symptoms. The host did try massive doses of alcohol but the symptoms just worsened and now the source has a headache to top it off.. so what is there to do but lay down and cry and then sit up and think and then crawl to the bathroom to wash up then stand up and take a breath then take a step and another and another and with each day the possibility of smiling becomes greater and greater until one day the ears hear laughing and is startled to discover that it is indeed coming from the mouth. the mouth that had been so quiet and inanimate. the mouths laughter is contagious and soon the heart opens the blinds to peak outside. soon the heart decides to take a stroll and get some air. and the possibilities then become positive and endless no longer does the mind feel obsessive no longer do the eye's unleash their torrent of water. No longer do the lungs struggle for a simple breath, the stomach feels almost normal the Hands want to embrace rather then strangle.  So is it a happy ending? NO because it's not yet the end.