Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I have a crack in my soul and in my heart. I am begging crying pleading for someone to fix this crack or break me completely.. It's the crack that is the worst.. I can't say I am fully broken if I were I wouldn't feel. I wouldn't care.. the crack doesn't totally drain me just lets the pain seep slowly. It prevents me from moving forward. I wish someone would come save me from the slow fade that I feel..
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I am In Love But I am alone.. It is the worst I have ever felt. I am by nature such a happy go lucky fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. I can find the positive in most things and I can find fun and laughter in anything. But I feel CRUSHED as never before. I feel defeated by Love as if it set out to test my loyalty, to test how much I would REALLY give for it. My motto is everyone love everyone. All you need is love. Love is what life is about. HA Well Love you got me.. I am defeated I have lost. I hurt, I breath I cry. It is funny how you think your in love when you are in a relationship but it's at the end of it that it is most easily recognized. It's the loss of a thing that brings your feelings to the surface in a way you hadn't felt them before. Love is a tricky bitch she fill us with hope and blinds us with the rainbow of possibilities, We don't even see the heart break coming. ha I say heart break but that does not even describe the seriousness of the situation. I should say heart body mind and soul break.. that would better describe the feelings that are rushing thru my beautiful but rejected body. what is beauty when the one you want /need /have to have doesn't want you? I ask you what is a personality or a sense of humor or a pure heart or a magnificent soul in the face of absolute pain and torture? It is an impossible situation. I want to spit in the eye of love. I want to disown love and forget she ever existed. whoever said forgiveness is hard is stupid.. forgiveness is easy forgiveness is a choice you can choose to make. I choose to forgive my enemy's because to not forgive would hurt me far more then the person I hate from afar who can't feel my stone cold dead glare. the cold draft would freeze my heart not theirs. It is forgetting that is impossible.. forgetting is not a choice you can make. It's not something you can just decide to do. your heart and your mind and your soul remember because first without the memories no lesson second without the memories life means nothing. the time spent with the people you love is meaningless and serves only to fill the space in time. third without the memory's you remain unchanged by those you encounter and as uncomfortable and scary as it is change is essential for life to continue.
But for now the heart cries so loud the neighbors complain. The stomaches upset, the brain is at a loss for a solution, the lungs struggle to do their Job. the eyes run the water non stop in revenge to the host of the heart. the soul feels lost, the feet don't want to move but they aren't content in this place. The hands feel violent the want to smash something, they want to feel the swift slap of a face beneath their palm. And with all of this going on the host just feels in utter desolation, all of the tenants are in an uproar none of them will cooperate, they won't listen to reason. they refuse to hear logic for the ears trust nothing they hear anymore. The Mind never having been in this position try's to throw out scenarios constantly and wont let the host get so much as a night's sleep. not only scenarios but blame and ideas and reasons and possibilities, so many in fact the host feels like just tossing the mind out altogether. the host considers medical help but then realizes that it is a sickness that must run it's course and there isn't a medication that will alleviate the symptoms. The host did try massive doses of alcohol but the symptoms just worsened and now the source has a headache to top it off.. so what is there to do but lay down and cry and then sit up and think and then crawl to the bathroom to wash up then stand up and take a breath then take a step and another and another and with each day the possibility of smiling becomes greater and greater until one day the ears hear laughing and is startled to discover that it is indeed coming from the mouth. the mouth that had been so quiet and inanimate. the mouths laughter is contagious and soon the heart opens the blinds to peak outside. soon the heart decides to take a stroll and get some air. and the possibilities then become positive and endless no longer does the mind feel obsessive no longer do the eye's unleash their torrent of water. No longer do the lungs struggle for a simple breath, the stomach feels almost normal the Hands want to embrace rather then strangle. So is it a happy ending? NO because it's not yet the end.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tonight I opened my window to feel the breeze. It smelled like an old familiar scent of easier day's of fresh clean simple day's it is a crisp smell of a new season. Life is measured in season's. there is a season for everything, FALL- A falling away of the Old, Winter- A dormant time for rest, Spring- A time of rebirth and regeneration, Summer- A time for growth. And everything happens according to it's season. It's a good thing, it keep's Life in order. we all need a restful winter where we can hibernate by a fire with family reading and drinking cocoa. And just when we start to feel cabin fever it will be spring.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I Want what everyone want's. A love that transcends time and space . A Love so powerful it takes my breath away.. and in wanting this I alienate anyone willing to give It. I want to give all I have my Very Life my soul my being to my chosen Love. But on my time frame, ok I have chosen you so poof you Love me back. Well it doesn't work that way.. no one can know my true honest intensions but myself so it takes time to get to know me and hey big shocker to me (literally) ( not everyone will like me ) I know crazy right... lol I try very hard to remain true to myself while being pleasing, fair and compassionate to others. I do fail sometimes. My heart is bursting with Love and I want some in return. I am begging for love acceptance and appreciation. but there is a catch, he has to be very intelligent, kind, love's family, driven, A leader rather then a follower, someone who protects his Loved ones. someone true to his word honest and hard working towards his own dreams so he is self fulfilled. never becoming jaded or negative. believing in true love with an endless amount of patience for those he cares for. So what do I do? well when I find this guy I demand immediate Love and devotion. Ha even though 2 people need to be comfortable in a relationship. I only consider my own comfortability. why am I this way. well I want what I want and I want it now. in other words I need to grow up and learn to have more patience. I have a picture in my mind about what my life should look like.. It should be me taking care of the man I love being completely devoted and willing to do whatever it takes to ensure the happiness of this man. while in return he treats me like his queen, nothing is to good for me and he cant keep his eye's or hands off of me. Simple right? haha No not simple. I could cry a river of tears over the mistakes I have made the word's I have said or have not said and the decisions made, But why what shall it solve? nothing.. really it would only hinder me in my future the best I can do is realize accept learn and move forward. I need to think before I do but sometimes my feelings run so deep that I am impulsive and insist that things settle or become repaired in that instance. I think that is called being a baby. I have good traits sure lots of em.. but I hardly gave this guy a chance to see them before flipping out and insisting to know the future. like hey I cant let myself fall for you unless you have a guarantee that you will love me back and never hurt me. So what now I should get more consideration then any other female on the planet, I can safe guard my heart while millions are being broken everyday.. I think that is called wanting your cake and eating it to.. I am learning things in life a little later then most others my age as if I grew up in a bomb shelter. it is embarrassing But I do have a humble attitude and a desire to learn and become a better more well rounded person. My path in Life is leading towards Love and enlightenment rather then fame and fortune. I strive to learn and Live in peace and harmony. My younger years were filled with fallacy and obligation so the second half of my Life has to lead to knowledge and Love. My Life would mean nothing if I could not find and cherish those things..
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
This Answers the Infatuation Question pretty accurately...
There are some feelings we have when infatuated that we don’t have when we’re feeling love. Some of the “symptoms” of infatuation are; feelings of panic, uncertainty, overpowering lust, feverish excitement, impatience, and/or jealously.
When infatuated, we are thrilled, but not happy, wanting to trust, yet suspicious. There are lingering, nagging doubts about our “partner in infatuation” and their love for us. We’re miserable when they’re away, almost like we’re not complete unless we’re with them. It’s a rush and it’s intense. It’s difficult to concentrate. And most infatuation relationships have a high degree of sexual charge around them. Somehow being with them is not complete unless in ends in some type of sexual encounter.
Do any of these “symptoms” resemble feelings of love? Hardly. So why do we become infatuated? Where does it come from? Perhaps it’s biological.
When infatuated we experience a surge of dopamine that rushes through the brain causing us to feel good. Norepinephrine flows through the brain stimulating production of adrenaline (pounding heart). Phenylethalimine (found in chocolate) creates a feeling of bliss. Irrational romantic sentiments may be caused by oxytocin, a primary sexual arousal hormone that signals orgasm and feelings of emotional attachment. Together these chemicals sometimes override the brain activity that governs logic.
The body can build up tolerances to these chemicals so it takes more of the substance to get that special feeling of infatuation. People who jump from relationship to relationship may be craving the intoxicating effects of these substances and may be “infatuation junkies”.
When the chemical flood dries up, the relationship either moves into a loving romantic one or there is disillusionment, and the relationship ends.
I think A lot of Relationships start out this way but that feeling fades pretty quickly Usually after only a month or two at the most. I think then It is clear to see if you still feel the same way about the person. And I think Another good clue is do your feelings increase with time or diminish.
So you want the day off :-
Lets take a look at what you are asking for :-
There are 365 days in the year available for work.
There are 52 weeks in the year, in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 50 minutes each day in coffee breaks which accounts for 25 days per year, leaving only 68 days available.
With 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend two days per year on sick leave.
This leaves only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you take that day off.
The Facts of Life :-
This is the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody: There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could of done.
Don't let the older generation tell you that society was better back when.. it was hateful and bigoted and had it's own set of problems. Although these ads are comical they are real.. it blow's my mind. I have been laughing all morning.
Monday, October 25, 2010
How should people withoutAspergers approach/treat people with Aspergers?
Advice for Parents and Teachers—
Aspergers describes individuals who show difficulties in interpersonal communication. They've problems in recognizing and using social cues, and thus tend to be awkward or inappropriate in social relationships. Consequently, they frequently come across as rude or obnoxious or insensitive.
They also are apt to have unusual hobbies and behaviors. Generally they may have strong interests about particular subjects that border on being compulsive. One picture of Asperser type tendencies may be the peculiarly British hobby of train spotting. This involves standing for long periods of time in train stations, taking notes of the serial numbers of passing trains, with the aim of "spotting" every train available. You can even find books published listing rows and rows of train numbers!
Asperser kids also have very firm ideas of right and wrong, and will not hesitate in arguing the toss with a teacher. They're typically not able to take into account shades of gray and may see all issues in black or white terms.
Now, none of those behaviors, by themselves, are so odd or bizarre!
The issue is that culture does not really know what to do with individuals like this. Equally culture is extremely inconvenient for short people (can't get to the desk) and tall people (must duck through doorways), so culture just isn't suitable for eccentric individuals who have an extremely different perspective of the world.
Especially schools, who like all kids to comply with their view of what kids should behave like. And thus these kids often rub people up the wrong way, and end up getting discouraged, irritated, and in trouble.
Previously, these kids were either tolerated as being strange or "loners", or else they wound up in significant conflict with authorities.
Nowadays they may be "diagnosed" with Aspergers.
What exactly does a diagnosis mean?
Once again, unlike in medicine where there's something clearly something wrong (like a germ causing disease), there's nothing "wrong" in Aspergers. At least, nothing that can't; be recognized with any blood tests, x-rays, etc.
A diagnosis of Aspergers is made purely on the basis of the descriptions of behaviors as provided by family, caregivers, educators, etc.
It is usually considered for you to be part of the Autistic Spectrum, which means as you go along the scale to more and more social difficulties, it gradually blends in with Autism. If you like, Aspergers is like a mild version of Autism.
So does it help, having a diagnosis of Aspergers?
That is the key question!
And the answer can be yes or no:
YES if, as a result, moms and dads and educators make the effort to learn about what it means and how best to adapt their behavior, and expectations, so as to best help the youngster to succeed.
No if, as a result, they are simply discriminated against as having "something wrong with them" or if people the think there will be some kind of treatment or cure for it.
Because, the reality is that the diagnosis truly should not make any difference at all to what individuals do - IF THEY ARE PROPERLY CLUED IN TO KIDS'S BEHAVIORS. (But they rarely are).
Why do I say that? Because assisting an Aspergers youngster calls for precisely the same principles as managing ANY youngster you get to know your youngster's individual character and learning style, you get to know what motivates or does not motivate him, and you adjust your techniques and expectations to that. If you do that correctly, you will come up with the right techniques for a youngster whether or not they have the diagnosis.
But the reality is that few moms and dads or educators are like that.
For them it may be beneficial to have a diagnosis so they can then think in a different way about how to help the youngster. They can, for instance, find some books about it, and read about strategies that do and don't work with such kids.
Because "treatment" of Aspergers consists 100% of modifying YOUR behavior and expectations so as to create an environment in which the youngster can flourish.
There is no medicine that will "treat" Aspergers (although some medications can sometimes be of some help with aspects of their behavior - see a psychiatrist about that.)
So, given what most educators are like, the reality is that these kids will most likely do best in an environment in which the educators have had previous experience of Asperser kids. These are the educators that can best adapt themselves to help the kids to succeed.
Also, the reality in this day and age, is that you may be able to get more resources and more funding if your youngster has a diagnosis than if they don't.
So, how do we put this all together? These, I believe, are the main points:
If an individual suggests that your youngster might "have" Aspergers, don't address it as some kind of insult or that your youngster is defective in some way.
Instead, go and get some books and read up about it. If, as you do so, the books seem to be describing your youngster, then you might learn some useful ideas on how better to help him. Share these ideas with the educators.
If, despite doing all that, your youngster still has difficulties in fitting in with "normal" expectations, then DO something about it. Don't just wait for the problems to go away, as they probably won't.
Doing something may include one or both of the following:
1. Getting an official evaluation to get the "label". Having the label may open doors to more funding etc. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that "having" the diagnosis means anything different than not having it. Either way, you youngster is still your youngster, and will respond to the right management. Just use the label as a tool to get the right school and the right support.
2. Changing schools to one that has more experience with kids like yours. That might mean special school. Do not put up with a school that is continually labeling your youngster as a troublemaker. The school is the single biggest determinant of how well these kids do as they grow up. Put them in a critical, punitive environment, and they will have major problems later on. Put them in a caring, understanding, flexible environment and the can do very, very well indeed.
3. Lastly, whether or not you have the official diagnosis, if you think your youngster might have Asperser type difficulties, read the books! Learn as much as you can about how they think and what they respond to. And then work hard to provide them the greatest possible environment that you can. It can be hard work, but it WILL pay off in the long run.
By the way, the principles of behavior management as explained in my e-book apply to kids with Aspergers just as they do to any youngster. By comprehending first the principles, and secondly the way Asperser kids think, you will be able to come up with some effective ways of handling their behaviors that will make a real difference to how they turn out in the long run.
And how do they turn out? Well, they will always be a bit "strange" or "different", just as tall kids will be tall adults. But with the proper assistance and reassurance they CAN find their own niche and live prosperous lives, even in contemporary society!
Advice for Peers—
1. Approach them slowly, and casually. If you see them in one spot every day, say around noon, start bringing your lunch to that spot, and sit next to them. Don't talk to them the first time …let them get used to your presence first.
2. Ask them about the people they are closest to in their lives and what makes these people special.
3. Ask them about their favorite activities, hobbies and sports and who they usually engage in these activities with.
4. Be observant. If someone you know displays signs of Aspergers, such as reclusiveness, being quiet, exhibits habitual behavior, is highly skilled or talented in a specific area or won't look at you in the eyes, understand that the person may be struggling with a neurobiological disorder.
5. Communicate clearly and openly. People with Aspergers are often unable to understand nonverbal communication. Giving them hints or thinking that they should read your body language won't work. Keep in mind that persons with Aspergers often interpret things very literally, so only say what you mean.
6. Consider approaching him and let him know you care and want to be there for him. Be ready to carry the conversation, as communication is an area where Aspergers sufferers have particular difficulty. Be patient. It may take a while before he develops trust in you.
7. Continue participating in activities and conversation with the person for the amount of time that is tolerable for them. This will continue to establish a bond and build trust.
8. Engage in a few activities that your new friend has suggested or seems to want to do.
9. Engage in a few brief conversations or interactions with the person.
10. Extend the types and longevity of activities based on the other person's comfort level.
11. Find someone who displays characteristics of Aspergers. You can't exactly do any of the other steps if you don't.
12. If they are acting strangely, tell them (if it dangers them or others). It's important to let them know. Don't say it meanly either, just say: "Most people don't do that"; or, "That's usually considered inappropriate"; or just "Please don't do that". If it's no harm to anyone, then leave them alone. It could be a comfort to them.
13. Introduce them to your other friends, and try to keep everyone getting along. They may act differently in the presence of your friends, or their friends. They may simply not get along. Don't try to force them to get along with your friends. They will probably be most outgoing when encountered one on one.
14. Keep in mind that Aspergers sufferers have a normal IQ intelligence. Although depression may be a symptom, it's often due to their lack of communication and social skills. Generally, they end up secluded since people are unable to relate to them.
15. Lay your emotions bare to them. Tell them how you feel, even when you think it's patently obvious, and ask them to do the same. They'll love you for it.
16. Offer up a compliment or ask for advice to soften things up once you've had a few initial interactions.
17. Read articles and books about Aspergers, preferably those written by people with the condition.
18. Realize that persons with Aspergers often hear sounds and see lights that no one else hears or sees. This is part of their neurological disorder.
19. Remember that above all, persons with Aspergers have the same feelings and emotions as everyone else and want the same things in life that every human being wants: to be respected, to be treated with dignity and to be happy.
20. Research Aspergers to develop a sound understanding of what the condition entails and how those close to this type of person is able to relate to them.
21. Start a small conversation. People with Aspergers are not very good at conversations, so you will probably need to lead them. You know, start by introducing yourself and asking their name …then ask them about themselves. For now you just want to get them talking, what about isn't really important yet.
22. Try to find some common ground, some activity that both of you enjoy. Agree to get together some time and do it. Show up for the get-together on time.