Monday, September 27, 2010
I am a villain and a victim the same as everyone. and there is a sick dark villain in me. darkness and light fight inside of me everyday. They push and pull they are tenaciously fighting one another for control. What shall I choose? darkness? Hate rather then hurt bitterness rather then Love? only ever finding a love for lust. I choose light I will take the hurt and reject the hate I will spit out all bitterness and learn to accept myself and the things that are. I will find my place rather then chase my desire. I will accept this humbling experience and learn to let go and breath. I choose perspective rather then retrospect. I wont lay blame I will lay claim to my own culpability. I wont villainize or victimize but realize that both reside in myself. I will lighten my load by forgiving myself and my adversary. I will swiftly move into my future by not dwelling on my past. what profit is there in feeling sorry for yourself. Empowerment is power is moving on. as hard as this is as badly as it hurts as impossible as it feels to breath I feel a sense of entitlement to survive its a divine right and an absolute ability.
Despite what I may deserve this is what I have. My ego is small and tells me I am another hand me down. He couldn't Love me. why? I don't know. He was mean and cruel and always put himself first emotionally. Was it me? Was it my fault? maybe some of it was because he has expectations that I didn't live up to, but instead of leaving he just degraded, yelled, demeaned, mocked, intimidated and complained about who I am. Could I have imagined this outcome? no.. not me. 16 years and it's like there was never anything between us. Like getting fired from your job right before retirement without even getting the dumb gold engraved watch for all your services rendered. But what I know is I can no longer care. I am moving on, I have no time for wallowing. This is humbling and forces self reflection. What can I learn from this, how can I apply it to the next half of my life so I can really make it count. What will I sacrifice for real Love? Everything except myself. Everyone who knows me could see heartbreak from 500 miles away but I couldn't see it until it hit me in the face. It took my breath away it took my mind away. It did not take my spirit though. It cut me open and left me to bleed, but I did not die. Waking up after being knocked out hurts. but you cant get up and walk until you wake up, you feel the pain suddenly and acutely but its a strengthening pain, a necessary pain, a healing pain.
I have previously written about Love and Confusion and I can say I dont have that Problem anymore. I have wanted Clarity for so long But I have always had clarity I just refused to see it. I see the truth of things. I see that my feelings of love do not reconcile with the feelings I have gotten in the past. I will find Love in Life and Learn to Live in Love. After all there is Love all around us. It's just hidden by Hate and we have to dig around to find it. It's a woman's plight to Learn to breath again after devastation, our feeling are very delicate but we are strong. Knowledge doesn't always ease Pain, but I would rather live in truth then to waste life on a Lie. I will not lay my Happiness upon the foundation of another's destruction. My happiness is not dependent on retaliation or karma or revenge. I would rather be happy next to my next to my enemy then swallow the bitterness of Jealousy and hate. You cant punish another without ultimately punishing yourself. So Live and let live and in the words of BOB MARLEY "I just cant live that negative way bring on the positive day".
Times are tuff, But my future looks bright from where I sit. Yes my life is hard right now but it all comes out in the wash everything comes round in time. I cant I wont trade the pain for the lessons that I've learned. The lessons you taught me have made me a better smarter more experienced person. I dont worry to much because I have a kind soul, I have me. I see wonder in the world and I love it. It's like hanging on a rope right before you hit the lake, like spinning on a tire swing going round and round looking at the sky thu the tree's. It's like the smell of fall and burning leaves and hot apple cider. It's like laughing with a group of your oldest friends. It's like laying in the grass looking at the stars on the clearest of night's. It's the secret everyone is looking for, it's us, it's nature, it's love, it's God. People miss it everyday, they cant see it because they are looking to hard. It's simplicity, It's simple. It's Life.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Hate isn't very sympathetic
Bitterness is hard on the stomach
Jealousy has never been my color
Revenge doesn't play fair
Sorrow incessantly inflicts pain
Ignorance leads me astray
Empathy give's away all my emotion's
Agony is always depressed
Sarcasm Bite's with it's sharp wit
Fear is a coward
Pleasure is self serving
Misery loves company but nobody love's Misery
Burden always want's to be carried
Illusion is tricky
It seems Love your all I have to turn to with
your promise of embrace and your ability
to restore my childlike laughter
and to Keep me warm at night
I choose you Love above all else I pray for the wisdom
to always have the humble
spirit and divine strength to choose you.
A TIME A PLACE A PERSON A FACE, A ROOM A WORD, A REMINDER A MEMORY, A PAST, A PICTURE, PERFECTION, ACHIEVING, NEVER RIGHT, A SOUND SOFTLY HEARD, A SMILE A TOUCH, A SOFT EMBRACE, A DISTANCE, AN ABSENCE, A LOVE, A LOSS, A NEGLECT, A WOMAN A CHILD, A MAN A WIFE, ATTENTION, DEVOTED, FORGOTTEN, TAKEN FOR GRANTED, A THOUGHT, HALF THOUGHT A THOUGHT LEFT UNTHOUGHT FOR THOUGHTS ARE TO PROVOKING, A SMELL ALMOST SMELLED, AND ONE TO OFTEN, LIKE SOMETHING IN A BREEZE, ON THE WIND, THROUGH A DRAFT, DRIFTING FROM THE TREES, A MIND, A HEART, TETHERED TOGETHER, WEATHERED BUT NOT IMMUNE, A CUT, A PAIN, A TEAR, A CRY, CRYING STAYING STRONG FEELING WEAK, A SADNESS IS FILLING IN WHERE LOVE IS DRAINING OUT, MOURNING WHAT WAS, WANTING WHAT COULD BE, SAD AT WHAT IS, LONELY, WAITING HERE, I WILL STAY HERE, WAITING TO BE NOTICED, TRYING TO FIND A SOLUTION BUT UNABLE TO SEE THE PROBLEM, ITS ME, I AM WRONG, AM I WRONG? THIS DOES NOT FEEL RIGHT, I DON'T FEEL RIGHT, THIS DOESN'T FEEL LIKE LOVE, SO IT MUST NOT BE, IT HAS TO BE, BUT IT CANT BE, WHERE DID YOU GO, WHERE ARE YOU NOW, I CANT FIND YOU, YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU, I DON'T FEEL LIKE ME, FEELING EMPTY, BARREN, LOST, WANDERING, WHERE AM I GOING, FIND ME, I NEED YOU, I THINK I CAN ALMOST SEE YOU, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ME? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME? DO YOU NOTICE WHAT IS HAPPENING? CAN YOU SEE? I SEE, CAN YOU SEE? SLIPPING, FALLING, BREAKING, HURTING, URNINIG, ONLY CARING FOR YOU, DO YOU KNOW? DID YOU KNOW? HOW DID I GET HERE? WHERE SHOULD I GO? FROM HERE TO YOU, WHEREVER YOU ARE? YOU'RE HERE YOUR GONE, YOU LIE BUT YOU DON'T KNOW, I THINK YOU MUST NOT KNOW, MAKING THINGS RIGHT, KNOWING WHEN NOT TO FIGHT, LIVING IN LOVE, WITH YOU THINKING OF ME, KNOWING ME, TALK TO ME, NEED ME, COME BACK TO ME, LOVE ME...
can anyone tell me what it means to love? is it when you find someone that makes you want to be a better version of yourself? or is it when your willing to compromise who you are? I dont know much about this issue? i wish there was a clear path laid out before me with a sign saying come this way it leads to happiness and love and the rest of your life.. I often feel i take the path that is not marked and it leads me away from the place I want to go. so maybe I am on the wrong path or maybe I am just a child and have not fully developed a proper understanding of the game of love and life.. everybody wants love but is everybody ready to give love? so should we ask for things we can not handle responsibly? should we expect our perfect love but work so halfheartedly to earn it? I have a picture in my mind of what love should look like but do my expectations meet up with reality? to me love should look like a rainbow of skittles.. it should fill you up with sweet sugar and leave you feeling satisfied. it should make your breath catch in your chest when you remember that you have someone who in all senses of the word BELONGS with you. they are everything you aren't and they love you for everything you are. love tastes like memories and smells like the future. you cant stay away from love it pulls you in and nothing can stop you from attaining it once you find it. love is complex but simple it is fragile but indestructible. it takes you to a place that you have never been but always wanted to go. love grows there in this place and never rots or turns rancid. it blooms and evolves and changes but does not diminish. it is the most meaningful thing you will ever do. (to love) it is the closest to god we will get on earth. love is God so how could it be anything but a soft beautiful fulfilling lasting satisfying complementary emotion that spins around us like bright shining firefly's on the most gorgeous summer night. love should not be bitter or controlling or uncompromising or selfish or hateful hurtful irritable. the God that I believe in would never instill a true love in us that turned from glorious to utter desolation. so my consensus is that Love should be sweet and yes it changes with time but sugar never turns to salt so why should love....... <3
Thursday, September 2, 2010
CONFUSION IS THE PRELUDE TO CLARITY...
Confusing thoughts and feelings that I don’t want to feel, I want to be numb and I want to forget but I cant. My mind is a trap it lets things in that I don’t want and wont let them out.. is it for self protection yes I fear it must be, but I don’t want it.. I feel powerless. I feel hopeless and confused I feel wrong and old and useless. I let so much life pass me by.. I thought I was looking for love so I fell back into this life but it became the rabbit hole and I am faced with the mad hatter trying to force his crazy on me.. he tries to keep me frazzled and dumb and confused. He lies to me and he terrorizes me, but then he hugs me and cares for me when I am broken and crying.. he picks me up and holds me and I feel such Love or what I think could be love. Could be dependence but how could I know… what I seem to put out of my mind is that he knocks me down in order to pick me up.. but why? I don’t really understand and I feel like even if it were explained I still wouldn’t understand.. I wrote this next part a month before I left my husband. Me and my children moved back home to Mi to live with my mother who is very helpful. Her and my father are such a blessing to me, but my Mother is emotionally abusive and has been since I was a child so I realized I would have a very hard struggle to face, like jumping from the frying pan into the fire..
If I could get my thoughts and feeling's on to this piece of paper and then those words could manifest into a plan well then I would be all set.. I second guess myself so much that I make it impossible to make a plan. I am so afraid that what I am feeling might be temporary and if I take steps to change things then what if later I change my mind or it was the wrong thing to do.. what if what if what if..... I gotta say that although I am so sick of the what if game, i cant help but to play it. there is no doubt that I need a plan. but figuring out the lay of the land is so difficult for me. and what should I be planning for? I know what I want out of life. but how do I obtain it. when it is finally revealed to you in a way that you can no longer ignore or question how do you process the major amount of bs and not feel frightened that everything you see is skewed ??? I dont know what or who to trust. I trusted someone with my very life for nearly 16 years, and I thought he was my best friend but so often he is my enemy. I thought he was my allay but he often turns out to be my adversary . I thought he was my lover but he is in actuality my hater. and it has been this way for a very long time. I have hurt him in the past and maybe he has never gotten over it but the reality that I am faced with is even though he says he loves me he does not. he loathes me for the way his life is shaping up. and worst of all he is hurting our children. he says things about there mother that they should not have to hear and he try's to get them on his side he also mistreats them verbally when he is angry. so you say wow then leave.. right well I would but there always seems to be a reason to stay. the kids have school where will i go what will i do for a job? how can I support the kids? will i lose myself and be a bad mother to them.. not that I am a good mom now, this way. that i am now.. I do not function normally most day's. oh sure I go thru the motions but i am not really here. I distance myself for a lack of know how... how to cope with all of the pressure. he tells me that I cant care for myself so I would not be able to care for the kids. and he says I lay around and do nothing but eat.. and the more he says... the less motivation I have. he says I will never be happy. I am impossible to please. I am to critical. I have no motivation. and sometimes i think he is right. I am maybe to blame for the initial problems. maybe I drove him to this behavior. he asks me how much I think he can put up with? and I dont know maybe he cant put up with anymore from me. but he says he loves me so he continues to try to "tolerate" me. and really I do not want to be "tolerated" I want to be loved for what and who I am, not what I might become or what I should be but for ME. but what is there to love about me when I am this way.. nothing... I am no good to anyone like this.. and I dont know why he keeps saying these things to me.. what type of person continues to smash a fly with there humongous foot after the fly is noticeably crushed? doesnt he see that I get it. I am no good, I tell him that if he wants me to be better then he has to stop crushing me. but without fail the cycle goes on and about every three days I am the biggest loser to have ever married or had children. and the worst part is I would be happy as a lark If I thought that I was pleasing to someone. if I was of value or of use to someone I would be ecstatic.. but when I look at the past there have been very few times in our marriage that I have lived up to his expectations.. he expects perfection and I can not give it.. nor can my children and if I feel this way as a grown woman I cant imagine how my children feel. this is such mind terrorism.. it is mind control so that we will not leave him. so we will not think we can do better, funny thing is, is that it is this very behavior that makes me want something better. if he were loving and kind and even- tempered there would be nothing better then this man to me. I had children with this man I gave myself to this man for what was supposed to be forever. there is nothing better then holding on to that. but me holding on to this is tearing my family to pieces. and is killing me mind body and soul. he says I will never change.... So I think it is time for me to say oh yeah well watch this... and I know I should not let anyone knock me down but hey if you are pushed hard enough you WILL fall. I am strong I am very strong believe me. i am smart and I am loving but I am not super human and I have fallen down and I think no less of myself for that.. but I do think less of myself for the untimely manor it is taking me to peel myself off the ground.. and I know I would hate myself if I NEVER got up. all I am doing is being an accomplice in the emotional abuse of my children and I am enabling someone to abuse me who under different circumstances might be a perfectly lovely man . so again do you see what I have done haha I have blamed myself for the demise of all four of us, my mind is quick but very confused. like i said I just do not know how to process what is going on right now. am I making a mountain out of a mole hill. do I have princess syndrome like Bill say's ? well what I know is if I could trust what Bill say's then he would be dealing with me with love rather then hate. but having said that it does not mean that the seeds of doubt have not been planted. .. they are trying to take root and the harder I fight this the more crap seems to be thrown at me. and I have tried many ways to pacify the situation. I have tried being docile, subservient, loving, analytical, crazy, angry, crazier, intimidating, and back to docile. and I am a women so most of these thing's I can do all at once or at least in quick succession.. jk lol... I have literally cried, begged, screamed, kicked, threw fits, cried more, I have tried to reason and calmly talk thru it and nothing I do stop's the behavior on his part. perhaps the cycle gets drawn out longer the emotional abuse is less frequent when things seem to be going his way. and just to keep in mind this is solely from my point of view, I am far from perfect, I can be quite cold and distant from him and I know that is bothersome I can be lazy at time's and that drives him nuts. and I can be critical like he say's. so just to be fair he has some reason to complain. but the more he complains the more placid I get, not on purpose but when faced with this situation I find it easier to shut down. I really wonder if I am the one expecting perfection and therefore he can do no right with me? no ya know I dont really think so. I would live in a shack with him if he loved me like he should. see the big difference is my view of how he should love me and his view of how he should love me. I think he should be kind and compassionate and he thinks he should buy me something and serve me a coke. what I want from him is purely physical and mental, and those are the things he has the hardest time with. in conclusion to my rant. I would like to say that I will better the lives of myself and my children, without question and whatever guilt or hurt I feel over the steps I have to take will have to ride in the back seat. they can not ride shotgun anymore, I have precious children and I need to do whats best for them... now see, as I am thinking about that I really seriously wonder if me being a single mom to them is best? he loves them. and is their dad. Is taking them from their dad whats right? And what is out there for me? Struggles, heart ache ? dating.....? boy that sounds fun. ha a 30 something single mom is on the market fellow's... wow where can I sign up for that bag of fun... LOL but the pisser of it is that staying here is worse then all of that... so again back to the top... what if its worse out there. wa wa wa uhg I am sick of my own self, how must my friends and family feel. I am sure they feel like slapping me and saying get it together... well I am trying and I WILL OVERCOME THIS OBSTACLE.... ... ... ... ... ... i think.. jk lol
So A year after I wrote this I am back with him. HOW did this happen you ask…. Well I am an idiot… I stayed strong for so long and crumbled at the end. I fell one step from the finish line.. He waited for me to forget and then he pounced. How does A seemingly intelligent woman fall for the trap of cyclical abuse? well because abuse follows no logic..